I remember feeling confident, even at a weight that was not ideal, on a not so great hair day. I know that I had days when I walked into the office in my black boots and turned more than one head. I used to run meetings with no problem and always know what to say and when to say it. Sure, sometime I sounded like an ass but don’t we all? Sadly my confidence and my state of being all seem to tie into my sense of self worth in the workplace. Spending a few months temping, having a hard time finding a job and scraping money together for bills seemed to nail me right down to the earth. I feel torn down, unkempt, hideous, and unworthy of the things I have.

I don’t think this is completely related to being bipolar or how many anti depressents I’m on or  if I’m exercising and eating right. I think sometimes no matter what cards you’re dealt the house is rigged to take everything you have until you walk out of the casino completely despondant. I know it could be worse, I’m certainly not complaining I’m just saying that I’m stressed as hell and I’m pretty sure that I look like Medusa in sweatpants but can’t check the mirror for fear I might be right.

Monday I start a new job, this weekend I have to find my spunk. I have to approach this job with all the ambition and drive I gave to jobs in the past. I need to kick ass. I’m going to have health insurance again, a steady paycheck, some security. It’s everything I’ve been missing and should take a lot of pressure off the other areas of my life. I just can’t shake this clamp on my heart. Repeated rejection and reality slapping you in the face a few times made me coil into a small ball inside myself. So much so that I am physically ill. I’m close to becoming the empty shell of a person that I fear more than anything. Selfish and impossible to reach. My mother. No matter how emotional or “crazy” I am in the future I want my family to know me.

I just want to be myself again. Suggestions welcome.

-LM

Filed under: Bipolar, Breakfast at Tiffanys, stress