I remember feeling confident, even at a weight that was not ideal, on a not so great hair day. I know that I had days when I walked into the office in my black boots and turned more than one head. I used to run meetings with no problem and always know what to say and when to say it. Sure, sometime I sounded like an ass but don’t we all? Sadly my confidence and my state of being all seem to tie into my sense of self worth in the workplace. Spending a few months temping, having a hard time finding a job and scraping money together for bills seemed to nail me right down to the earth. I feel torn down, unkempt, hideous, and unworthy of the things I have.

I don’t think this is completely related to being bipolar or how many anti depressents I’m on or  if I’m exercising and eating right. I think sometimes no matter what cards you’re dealt the house is rigged to take everything you have until you walk out of the casino completely despondant. I know it could be worse, I’m certainly not complaining I’m just saying that I’m stressed as hell and I’m pretty sure that I look like Medusa in sweatpants but can’t check the mirror for fear I might be right.

Monday I start a new job, this weekend I have to find my spunk. I have to approach this job with all the ambition and drive I gave to jobs in the past. I need to kick ass. I’m going to have health insurance again, a steady paycheck, some security. It’s everything I’ve been missing and should take a lot of pressure off the other areas of my life. I just can’t shake this clamp on my heart. Repeated rejection and reality slapping you in the face a few times made me coil into a small ball inside myself. So much so that I am physically ill. I’m close to becoming the empty shell of a person that I fear more than anything. Selfish and impossible to reach. My mother. No matter how emotional or “crazy” I am in the future I want my family to know me.

I just want to be myself again. Suggestions welcome.

-LM

Filed under: Bipolar, Breakfast at Tiffanys, stress

The end.

Tags: Robert Frost, The Princess Bride
Filed under: Bipolar, Wonder Woman, cat lady, cheese, exercise, punching bag, stress, weight

…I always get them. Even though I have to work on Friday, I’ve always looked forward to Friday way more than Sunday. There’s a sense of freedom associated with Friday – just gotta get through the day and then …the possibilities are endless! (Even if you just stay home in your pjs and watch bad TV) But Sunday always rolls around with an accompanying sense of doom.

This week will be stressful. I know it. I have 3 meetings that I’m dreading and need to travel to Colorado mid-week. And I HATE flying. And I won’t have the BF to hold my hand and offer his arm for squeezing and crying upon when the turbulence starts kicking.

How will I get through the week? Exercise..and, let’s just face it, alcohol. I’m not an alcoholic, I swear. But a glass (or 2) of wine can really take the edge off. Hmm…this is supposed to be a healthy living blog, right? Ok, so let’s just talk about exercise.

Luckily, the hotel I’m staying at has a small fitness room and is situated next to running trail next to a bubbling (babbling?) creek – very Colorado. I’ll probably be too wiped to work out on Wednesday, but will do my best to get a nice run in on Thursday evening after my day-long meeting (vs. drowning my stress and fear of flying at the hotel bar). Being away from my normal routine and without the options of hanging out with BF, seeing friends, putzing around my apartment, etc actually gives me motivation to exercise. What else is there to to do by myself? I won’t have transportation and all the local shops are closed by 7pm.

Ok, I’m off to mentally prepare for the week.  I apologize for the lack of pictures – my technical difficulties seem to continue, as I’m currently unable to upload photos – but I promise to figure it out! I’ve still got some good ones to share from my trip to the west coast!

Filed under: exercise, stress

Happy Saturday, everyone.

So, we’ve got a brand new hard drive and my trusty desk top is back and functional once again. Still working on re-installing a bunch of software, so the next few posts may be a bit skimpy on the photos. But, I promise to do my best.

In my last post I referenced a new purchase:

I’ve been an avid runner for a few years, but have always felt like my strenth training has been pretty spotty and half-hearted at best. What I’ve really been missing is a straight forward plan that doesn’t feel too time-consuming. I’ve also need more information as most of my knowledge around lifting has been anecdotal or come from articles in women’s magazines.

“New Rules” contains a lot of information, but the basic premise is that weight lifting for women is not all the different from weight lifting for men – what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and those pastel pink 2-pound weights aren’t going to get you anywhere. It covers a lot of basic information around strenth-training and nutrition, has photos and descriptions of every strength training move it recommends, and includes 6 months worth of training plans, right down to the move, number of reps, sets and the sequence of moves.

I’m finding the workout outlines to be really helpful. And, surprisingly, the first couple workouts have taken me under 45 minutes at the gym, as they only include about 5 different exercises.

One thing in “New Rules” that I’m not really down with is the suggestion to use protein shakes after each workout. This goes against the idea of incorporating mainly whole foods into one’s diet, which is the nutrition advice that rings most true with me. Protein shakes seem unnatural – why can’t I just make sure to eat some peanut butter or scrambled eggs after I lift? But, I’m admittedly new to lifting, so if anyone has a different view point on this, I’d love to hear it.

Today was my second workout. It took me about 40 minutes and, even though it included zero cardio, I was sweating buckets by the time I left the gym. I think because I was really challenging myself. There’s a huge difference between using dumbells and barbells (I’d never used one before and felt like a totall badass!) instead of the sit-down nautilus machines. You really need to work your core to maintain balance and proper form, which only adds to the work out.

Tomorrow is a long run for me. The idea of 13-14 miles is made slightly more appetizing with a 2nd recent purchase – new running shoes!

I’ve actually had these exact shoes- Asics GT 2140- before, so they’re not new to me – just a new pair, as my current pair (Sauconys) were a bit worn down and my joints were starting to ache more than usual.  Every runner should be properly fitted for running shoes, but if you’re curious here’s a review of these particular shoes.

I’m off to freshen up and head out to a dinner party. Have a great night, everyone.

-Phoebe

Filed under: Running, exercise

I know, I’ve been absent! But I have good excuses.

1. Computer-less vacation in San Diego! It was lovely, amazing, all sorts of good. Can’t wait to share my adventures with you.

2. Computer-less return to NYC! The hard drive on my desk top at home decided to call it quits. So now my only computer access is at work, and I doubt the upper management would be excited to learn about my uploading pictures and blogging on company time.  However, a tech-savvy friend is generously helping repair the issue and I’ll be back in full swing soon.

In the meantime, are there any committed lifters out there? As you know, I’m an avid runner, but I often slack when it comes to weight training. However, I’d really like to correct this. I just purchased this book:

I’ll be sure to share a more comprehensive review later, but so far, I think this purchase will be helpful in my quest to increase my strength. My first official NROL workout is scheduled for tonight! I’m ready to get pumped!

Tags: Running
Filed under: Running, exercise

Yesterday’s plan was ambitious, but seemingly doable. Grocery store, make cupcakes, go to gym, fill and frost cupcakes, go to housewarming party. Considering this was to all happen within a 2-3 mile radius of my house, it didn’t seem crazy.

I probably had one of my clumsiest days in the kitchen…ever. I’m a decent cook and really a pretty good baker, but the cupcakes did not go well. In the end, they tasted fantastic, but it was painful getting there.

I set out to make the salted caramel chocolate cupcakes from Martha Stewart’s cupcake book, a publication I find both inspiring and overwhelming. The gorgeous photos and clean layout make it more like an  art book, but there are literally hundreds of recipes and decorating ideas – more than once I’ve put it down feeling confused and conflicted and no longer in the mood to make cupcakes.

But, yesterday I knew exactly what I wanted to make. The cupcakes are basically chocolate cake filled with salted caramel and topped with dark chocolate frosting. The actual baking went well. I baked about 20 cupcakes and cut out little cone-shaped divots for the caramel:

I saved the little cake chunks – good for a little mini treat:

The frosting was a little time consuming and messy, but still so far, so good.

Then came the caramel. I will spare you the gory details, but it took me 3 freaking times to get it right. And each attempt probably took about 1/2 hour and left me with a set of sticky, gummy pots, dishes and utensils. Turns out I was stirring when I shouldn’t have been stirring. Candy making is an exact, bitchy science in that way.

So, if you’re making caramel, DO NOT STIR once heat has been applied to the sugar and water mixture. Amidst the painful learning process, I also managed to drop 1/2 container’s worth of cocoa powder from the cabinet above my sink onto a strainer of clean dishes. I may have cried a little.

So, my gym ambitions faded pretty quickly once I realized I would be about 1.5 hrs late to the party. Luckily, not all was lost. While my 3rd batch of unstirred caramel cooked away on the stove, I broke out my jump rope, stability ball (not pictured) and 10 lb. hand weights and did some quick burst of cardio (jump rope), core work (sit ups on stability ball) and upper body strengthening (reps with hand weights) – all right in my kitchen.

It wasn’t what I had planned, but a quick work out is better than none. Note: my floor looks dirty here, but really it’s just old and battered (I recently swiffered).

Let’s hope my day today progresses a bit more smoothly…and less stick-il-ly.

Filed under: Cake, exercise

Ok, here’s another  confession. I’m currently reading “The Time Traveler’s Wife”…and really enjoying it. I know that’s not earth shattering, but I’m always slightly embarrassed to publicly read anything considered “chick lit,” especially if it’s stamped with big old “Now a Major Motion Picture!” starburst. But, it was recommended by a couple friends whose opinions I really respect. One, who happens to be pursuing a PHD in post-modern literature sheepishly admitted, “I…I really liked it.”

Henry, the main character, time travels throughout the span of his life, sometimes visiting his future self, sometimes going back in time. He’s unable to control when he vanishes and where he ends up, which poses many logistical problems. Much of his travel is brought on by high levels of stress, and one of the few things that helps keep that under control is running.

I thought a lot about this the other night while jogging in the park, and what I nightmare I become when I don’t get regular exercise. Last Thanksgiving my mother and stepfather were in town for 3 days. Between shopping, cooking and family time, about 4 days passed before I got out for a run, and it was definitely making me bitchy. Eventually my mom was like, “Go for a run. You’re scary.” Once I did all the little annoyances that come with intense family visits didn’t seem like such a big deal. I was much more pleasant to be around.

So, as I tromped along, thinking of stress-induced time travel, I came upon a big scene at one of my favorite Park Slope landmarks: The Pavilion movie theater. The current structure was built in 1928. If you read any online reviews, you’ll see that not everyone shares my affinity for the place. It’s old, small, kind of run down…but there’s something very comfy about it’s kitschiness. I like the old marquis, the smaller screens and the fact that there aren’t any expansive escalators bringing you to theater #27.

That night, instead of herds of movie-goers, I found a full-on film crew, lights, cameras, trailers and people with earpieces barking at onlookers:

This isn’t totally unusual.  A lot of film production happens in my hood – the brownstones and tree-lined streets are pretty picturesque.

But, what’s “The Tunic Look?” A new indie film starring Kate Winselt? Is Brad Pitt here? Once I got home I headed straight to my computer and looked it up on the Brooklyn blogs.

Ok, they’re shooting a Sears commercial. For tunics. I only a feel a LITTLE silly for ogling like tourist and taking pictures.

Agenda for today: cupcakes and cardio. I’m going to head for the gym in a bit, but have also committed to making cupcakes for a friends housewarming party. If you ask me, one cancels out the other and I’m all geared up for a perfectly balanced Saturday!

Filed under: Cake, Running, exercise

It’s probably the most un-blogworthy part of my day, but I feel the need to tell you that I ate a Twix bar. There, I said it. I’ve started reading more and more food blogs and admiring all the beautifully lit portraits of organic produce and vegetable sandwiches on whole grain bread, and there aren’t too many blog pics out there of dusty candy bars from the corner deli or sticky, crumpled wrappers from the office vending machine. Maybe someone’s hiding something, or maybe they all have more restraint than I do…

In any case, I was at my desk, wanted chocolate and bought a Twix bar. I wish it had been free trade dark chocolate or organic, gold-plated mejool dates – you know, something I could proudly tell you about and recommend as an alternative to all the processed crap out there. But, instead I ate the processed crap. Both caramel coated cookie bars.

Was it good? I don’t know. The more “good” food I eat (the fancy chocolate and gold-plated dates) the more I wonder about things I’ve “indulged” in all my life. The Twix scratched an itch, but was it really tasty? Or, maybe it’s a flavor I just have come to associate with satisfaction?

Anyway, after work I went for an evening run in the park. It’s still pretty hot and sticky here even with the sun down, but there was a very refreshing breeze. And I came home to a wonderful home cooked (grilled) meal:

Sirloin burgers topped with heirloom tomato, homemade guacamole, pepperjack cheese and a side of sweet potato “fries” with lime zest, cilantro and spices:

Diagnosis= Delicious!

This is really “good” food. All high quality, unprocessed ingredients – right down to the brioche hamburger bun that contains only unbleached flour, eggs, butter, milk, sugar, yeast, salt and pepper. And each burger was just the right portion- a little less than the size of my palm – allowing all sorts of room for extra guac and tomatoes. Thank you, BF!

Question – what’s your “Twix?” That food item that’s probably more about nostalgia than the actual taste, but still pulls you in every once in a while?

Filed under: Running, Spuds, cheese, toppings

I’m happy to report that I think I really did make a good use of my weekend. A good balance of yummy, high quality whole foods, exercise, necessary housework and quality time with my boyfriend (I’m working on a good blog name for him, as “boyfriend” seems so silly at this point).

As I’ve mentioned, I’m current training for the NYC marathon (my 2nd) with the help of Runner’s World’s  “Rookie” training plan. The basic structure of this training plan is shorter runs and cross training throughout the week and 1 longer run on the weekend. The longer run increases each week. Yesterday called for 9 miles. It was certainly a hot one in the city, but it’s so much more interesting to run long distances outside so I decided to just deal with the heat and head to one of my favorite places in the world: Prospect Park. I run here a couple times a week, so I thought it would be fun to take along my camera and give you a little tour.

The key to outdoors exercising in the summer is suitable gear and hydration. I donned my best synthetic fiber running gear to ensure breathability and less chaffing (though I did still experience some under-boob chaffing…hard to avoid) and my trusty hydration belt:

Ok, so “hydration belt” is a fancier term for dorky fanny pack with even dorkier attachable water bottles. I wear the pack in the back so at least people laugh at me after I’ve passed them.  It’s not much of a fashion statement, but it’s very helpful on longer runs – I don’t have to worry about having to locate water fountains as frequently and I can carry keys, band aids and snacks with me.

Once I was all suited up, I set out to the park!

In order to cover 9 miles, I did a lap of the perimeter of the park, which is on the sidewalks around the park and a lap of interior loop, plus running to and from the park. It was HOT, but luckily I was able to stake out some shady spots for relief:

Whenever I do a run that I think will take me over an hour or so, I bring some food along. I used to do sports gels and “beans,” but lately I’ve just been taking energy bars with me. After 45 minutes I’ll eat half of one and then maybe I’ll eat the 2nd half 30 mins later. A little boost of sugar helps with energy, and it actually gives me something to look forward to on boring runs. This weekend, I chose a Key Lime Pie flavored Larabar:

I find Larabars facinating. They are completely raw and usually only contain a few ingredients. This particular one includes dates, cashews, almonds, unsweetened coconut and lime juice concentrate- that’s it.  And it’s so tasty…? And,  how do they make that into that tidy little bar with no baking or processing? Is it like in Willy Wonka when the make the 3-course meal gum by smooshing and mashing until it’s all a little gummy cube?

Don’t do it, Violet!

Anyways, I continued along looking for interesting shots of the park to share with you. One of my favorite moments of the day was stumbling upon what I think was a company picnic. I heard cheers and shouting coming from one of the lawns and veered off the path a bit to check it out. I found a large group of adults participating in a relay race. It was great to see so many grown-ups at play, laughing and really throwing themselves into the spirit of a game:

Now for a brief moment of discussion on one of the many things I  love about New York (specifically Brooklyn).

Prospect Park is an amazing resource for EVERYone. And, because it’s free and accessible, you will always see an incredibly diverse group of people – adults, children, families – from every socioeconomic group. I love seeing groups from every background bbq-ing, bike riding, picnicing side by side. And, I love seeing kids playing outside. It’s discouraging to read about things like rising Vitamin D deficiencies in children and Nature Deficit Disorder. This saturday I saw tons of kids skateboarding, goofing off, riding bikes, chasing eachother, yelling obnoxiously – all OUTSIDE. Go, Brooklyn!

Ok, back to my jog in the park. Here’s one of my favorite little spots. For just a short little stretch, the dirt path along the paved interior loop runs through a shady little woodsy area.  I like to pretend I’m trail running.

At this point, I was nearly done. I had one more big hill and about another 1.5 miles. On the way home, I stopped and bought a gatorade.  Then I went home, had a veggie burger and took a shower.

I love that happy, tired feeling you get after a day in the sun. Today, I took the day off from planned exercising, but went for a walk with the BF and stopped for a leisurely lunch at a bistro in the hood.

Ah, summer…

Tags: Running
Filed under: Running, exercise

Let’s talk about hair. We all have different amounts of it in different places. Since this blog is all about being honest I’ll start. I’ve been getting my eyebrows waxed since I was 15, thank you mom. I started using creme on my lip a few years ago because it’s cheaper than waxing and I don’t have to worry about shaping or anything, and I have three hairs on my chin/jaw. These are the worst. I have one on each side of my face and one on the very tip of my chin and they are invisible to me until they are exactly 3/4 of an inch long. I look in the mirror and yelp. People must be talking to me just staring at my chin hair. Oh my god they think I’m an ape. Yet I check these spots every day and until the hairs get to the length of embarrassing I see nothing. Ridiculous. There are other hairs women have that we can’t talk about on the Internet without attracting the wrong kind of reader, so we’ll just skip that. Oh and legs! I shave my legs in the morning, put on lotion (so I feel my legs and should feel if I missed a spot) and off I go. I get in the car and half way to wherever I’m going I look down at a stop light to see I must have missed my left knee the last four times I shaved, it’s just not an option to continue the day that way. I was in a rush so I went to the shop in the rest area on the highway, they didn’t even have women’s razors. Whatever, I bought a 6 pack of men’s razors (that was the smallest size) and carefully shaved the hair. I subsequently started bleeding and my knee turned bright red. Did I mention I have sensitive skin? For the rest of the ride to my meeting I was trying to hold a mcdonald’s napkin to my knee to stop the bleeding while driving and search for some sort of lotion in my purse. There wasn’t any of course. I got to the meeting looking like I had just fallen off a bike all in the name of hairless legs.

So what’s your story?

Much love,

Lula Mae

Tags: beauty, Hair
Filed under: Hubba hubba, Wonder Woman